Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Numbering My Days

So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.--Psalm 90:12

Three years ago this week, I was released from hospital after nearly two months, facing 4 months of physical therapy and rehab to learn to walk again.

I had just been told that I was permanently disabled, and would never work again.

I was struggling with who I am now, since I am not at all who I was. For months, I struggled with physical limitations, and loss of identity. I didn't know myself any more.

I could not understand why God had not taken me home, when I begged for death. Why was I still here? What was I supposed to do, when I couldn't teach any more?

I still don't have a definitive answer to those questions. I have, however, learned that even though I don't understand, I accept His wisdom. I may never know for sure the reason, if there is just one.

I am learning to see the humor in my life again. I have regained most of my mental acuity. I have been given opportunities to use my teaching skills in small, less-taxing situations other than the classroom.

My grandchildren have availed themselves of my sewing, crochet and knitting skills. My children have told me that I am an important resource for them, because of things I remember, and abilities I have taught them.

Now that Wick is retired too, we are finding new depths of our relationship, new ways to express what has been there all along, but we were sometimes too busy to notice.

We are living full-time at the lake. We have found a new church home. Our relationship with our Lord is growing deeper and broader each day.

Only God the Father knows when our days on this earth shall end. I am satisfied that He knows the number of hairs on my head, the number of beats of my heart, the path that He would have me follow.

He has remodeled my heart from four times its normal size to the size it is supposed to be.
And He has remodeled my spirit to accept whatever may come, because He holds me safe under His wings.

I don't know where I will be a year from now; I just know that wherever it is, He will be with me.


Linds said...

Jan, this is beautiful. I remember so well the worry back then, about how you would recover, and it is wonderful to see how far you have come.

It took me a few years to admit that I was never going to be what I once was, you know, and the adjustment was tough, but, looking back I can see exactly how God was pruning, teaching, and leading me along new paths. It is still tough. But there have been some amazing times too, when I have been able to be there for my children, instead of working. So much to make me grin now. You too, I suspect!

There will be adventures ahead for you and Wick, and wonderful opportunities to build memories with your family. You have come a LOOOOONG way! Happy New Year!

MotherT said...

Jan, I'm so thankful that through all of the stress and health issues, God continued to lead and direct. So many times we yank the control out of His hand and then we create so much misery.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you better, as your strength and humor continue to grow.

I love when you post.

HolyMama! said...

How lovingly He has 'remodeled' your heart and spirit... what a lovely way to put it.

i'm so glad you are here, and exactly who you are today.

Jan/lost-strayed-or-stolen.blogspot.com said...

Linds, I know you have similar struggles to mine. Sometimes it helps just to know that we are not alone in our struggles.
Theresa, I love how our on line relationship continues to reveal more and more about each other.
Kelsey, Thank you for being my friend.

Linda said...

God bless you, Jan, as you grow and draw closer to God in your journey. Living at the lake sounds wonderful, especially knowing your heart for the critters!

Also, I think it's great that you're passing on your love for sewing and crocheting. I enjoy those, too! Hugs to you... : )